“Doubting makes you stronger” 

By Rev Fei Taule’ale’ausumai 

Way back I think it was in April 2021 when I put in my application to be considered as a minister for SAOTT, I had my doubts, but I continued to proceed with my application thinking it was a stab in the dark (excuse the metaphor).  When I got short listed to attend a face-to-face interview, I still had my doubts.  When I was invited to preach to a call, I knew that many of you may have had your doubts too especially since you have never had a Pacific person as a minister let alone a woman.   When about of 100 of you attended afternoon tea on a Saturday and I was interviewed by you all before I preached the next day, I’m sure many of you had your doubts too but many of you did ask your questions directly to me at that forum.  And yet the next day when you had a congregational vote you stepped out in faith and voted me in as your new minister.  We both continue to walk this journey of faith, there are times when I have my doubts about whether you have chosen the right person to be your minister and I too wonder whether this is right calling for me particularly when it comes to understanding my family and cultural situation regarding my needing to attend family events.  I think the Parish Council have been very gracious and compassionate towards me in this regard.   Sure, you have doubts, I have doubts and we will continue to have doubts and continue to struggle from time to time.  But I believe it has made me stronger and I hope you do too.  Over these 2 years I have grown to love you all, warts and all. 

As you know my 14 ½ year old dog Peanut went to the Rainbow Bridge recently.  On the following Friday I picked up his ashes from the vet and put them on my bedside cabinet that night when I went to bed.  I’ve told some of you this already.  At 3am I awoke to slurping of water and I thought to myself “oh Snoopy must be thirsty”, but Snoopy was fast asleep next to me.  I figured Peanut wanted to make himself known to me and that his spirit was wandering around his home.  Of course someone said to me, do you think you were coming out of a dream?  When I mentioned it to others they went quiet didn’t say anything because they didn’t know what to say.  Someone else said, oh wow isn’t that nice, I bet that made you feel good.  Yes it was a visitation from Peanut.  No, of course it wasn’t a dream I was very much awoken by the sound of Peanut slurping water (he was a prolific drinker as he go much older).  Why is it that when we have something to say about the spirit world, wholly other, people have to try and rationalise it?  For me, at the end of the day I know it was my dog Peanut visiting Snoopy and I, regardless of what anyone else may think.  For me that is another example of doubt.  

Today, we revisit the story of Thomas who must see before he believes.  Thomas has often been portrayed over the centuries as “doubting Thomas” because of his words “unless I see the nail wounds in his hands and feet and put my finger in those wounds and touch his side I will not believe”.  I personally think that Thomas articulated the doubt of probably most other disciples who remained silent.  Usually, the one who speaks the loudest is painted with the brush of doubt whereas those who remained silent were probably saying the very same words over and over in their heads but hadn’t built up the courage to put their thoughts into words.   

Thomas’ doubting shows us that it’s OK to question and that it’s perfectly normal to have doubts.   

SAOTT is probably the most diverse church, theologically within the PCANZ.  Many of my colleagues that I trained with used to approach me and say, “why St. Andrew’s on the Terrace” your reputation proceeds you; and I would reply “Why not!”.  Haven’t you read the book of Esther I’ve been called by God “for such a time as this?”.   

Many of us have walked the road of doubt and we come with lots of questions about the so-called truths we were fed as Christians in much more conservative evangelical upbringings.  We have chosen St. Andrew’s as a worshipping community because it meets us where we are at, it allows us to doubt, it allows us to sit with our questions and our challenges.  We may not have the answers to all these questions, but we are here because we are happy to explore this and walk the journey of discovery together.   

Thomas is not only a doubter; he is also a dubious figure.  Some see him as a saint, once he reaches the point of acclaiming Jesus, Lord and God. John is not anti-miracle, but he is critical of the focus on the physicality of miracles and Thomas surely approaches that stance.  Blessed are those who believe who did not need the proofs.   

According to Bill Loader, an alternative view would see John using the story to emphasise the materiality of Jesus over against those who saw both his earthly and resurrection existence as only apparently material and not human flesh and blood.  Thomas, once he has seen with his own eyes and declares Jesus as his Lord and God, he then becomes a hero; because he proves Jesus was real. 

In our reading from the book of Acts.  The followers of Jesus learnt to share their resources, no one was in need. It was an ideal also lived out in some Jewish communities.  It also has very specific roots in what had happened according to the gospels in the ministry of Jesus. He had called some to abandon their local livelihood, a much more serious upheaval than it would be for many in developed countries today where wealth makes mobility and adventure possible.  

Most “followers” of Jesus did not follow him around. They stayed where they were, equally committed to living out his radical message. But he challenged some, as we know, to follow him in a more literal sense, travelling with his band around Galilee, dependent on local hospitality and trusting that like the birds of the air and lilies of the field their needs would be met, and it seems they generally were.  I support a dear friend of mine’s daughter who travels the world with Youth with a Mission.  Regardless of their theology, they live by faith and the support of others to fund their missions.  As far as she is concerned there is no doubt, she will get there, and she does every time.  It also helps to have a father and a brother as a former and current All Black.   
 
Maybe like YWAM for the disciples such a movement was already in itself a challenge to the systems of power and dependency of the day, in which their survival depended on belonging to a larger circle of people dependent on richer and more powerful people for work, who helped keep them alive and well. For them there was no welfare safety net, apart from the generosity to the poor which some synagogue groups fostered. Stability was essential for survival.  Jesus, himself had left his family and life in Nazareth and now he had called others to do so. It went along with a proclamation which declared God’s goodness reached out to all, the good and the bad, and on the basis of love and community promised good news for the poor. 
 
The poor included anyone who was sick, unemployed, marginalised.  Those who followed Jesus would never have survived if people had been living in abject poverty where they would lack resources to offer hospitality.  For them to become one of Jesus followers meant abandoning what security there was in the local economic system therefore exposing oneself to vulnerability. 
 
Hardship breeds solidarity as a matter of survival. And as in the days when the first Scottish settlers aboard the Bengal Merchant faced the harshness of Wellington’s weather and Petone in particular.  They lacked the necessities of food and shelter when they first arrived.  The pretence and hierarchy of race or gender or class had to go out the window.  The good news of the gospel was to be the social equalizing of people of all race, genders and cultures.  Egalitarianism breeds in such solidarity, but it was also nourished by the message of Jesus. This was something welcomed by the those who were vulnerable, the socially outcast.  And it was resented by those who thought they were much more superior and not in need of a message of God’s liberation, grace and compassion.   

These early followers of Jesus had learned that sharing resources was the only way to survive. Luke captures the fundamental values of the movement which have (or should have) informed it ever since. There can never be justification for privileging some above others. There can never be a departure in word or deed from being good news for the poor. There can never be satisfaction with surrendering to systems which keep some poor and make others rich.   

Today we are faced with constant pressures to protect the vulnerable from solutions to complex economies which impose the costs unevenly on the more vulnerable.  Sadly the new coalition government seems to be targeting the most vulnerable groups in our society in its so called attempts to reduce the countries budget and spending constantly blaming the previous Labour government for all that is wrong with our country.   
 
The followers of Jesus had nothing. Compassion and social justice, embracing the good news and its implications, have to mean having flexibility to respond to new situations in new ways.  

 
What a passage like this calls us to do is to embrace its values also.  It remains true for all ages and in all situations today: we too are called to live in a way that we are good news for the poor.  Amen. 

Audio of selected readings and reflections

Audio of the complete service